“When you stop looking for love, that’s when you’ll find it.” said one person too many. I despise this phrase. It’s one of those pat responses someone says when they don’t know what to say. How do you know I’ll find love? Is NOT looking for it part of the magical equation to finding the right guy? Well, then I’m an outlier. I haven’t been looking for love for most of my life and the right guy has yet to cross my path. I’ve never needed to have a man around to fulfill some sense of self-worth. I’m a very independent woman and, quite honestly, have prefered being single to being in a relationship. That is, until I turned 33 and my outlook shifted. I know, 33 seems like a pretty random age, but all of a sudden, I was overcome with this feeling of being left behind and stressed by society’s expectations of being married by a certain age and feeling left out in conversations with groups of my married friends and that biological clock ringing in my ears and . . . and . . . and . . . . I’ve lived in this state more often than not ever since.
I want to be in love. I want to share my life with someone. I crave this. I want to take control and find this. But, love is so out of my control. No matter how strong my feelings are for another person, I can’t will that person to love me in return. I’ve experienced this first hand and it hurts really, really bad. I thought I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with…..and I’ve waited and waited and waited and regardless of how right it feels to me or how many of our mutual friends think we should be together, it isn’t meant to be. I know that if it’s such a struggle to try to be with someone, then he’s not the right one. Period. I just keep holding on with a gripped fist making up excuses about how it must not be the right time or that he really does love me and can’t communicate his feelings to me. I have to be in control of this. I can figure this out. Things will eventually go my way. It’s ridiculous.
I like to be in control. I like to have the choice of whether to say yes or no. I haven’t been given a choice in this case. It feels as if it’s already been decided for me. I feel left out. This really is just me having a pity party for myself. It’s about me not being content with the prayers God HAS answered. But, sometimes, his answer is not the answer I want. Why do I feel that God should answer my prayer in the way that I want him to? It’s like I have a checklist . . . .
meet a wonderful guy
live happily ever after
. . . and my prayers end up being the wait-and-eventually-you’ll-get-what-you-want variety. If I’m persistent and continue to pray for something; If I yearn for something badly enough; If I feel deep down in my soul that something is meant to be . . . then I just have to wait it out and God will eventually answer MY prayer. But, that’s not how it works. God is not available to simply grant my every wish and make me happy. He’s not interested in answering my prayer in the way that I want it to be answered. He’s in the business of saving souls and answering prayers according to his will.
The greatest lessons I learn in my life hurt the most. They’re the seemingly unanswered prayers or intense struggles or frustrations that are beyond my control and sense of understanding. They’re the situations that I wrestle with. What if I don’t want what God wants for me? What if I want what I want, regardless of whether or not it’s what’s best for me? I NEED God in this situation. I can’t do this by myself because it’s making me go crazy. I can’t control it and make it work out the way that I want it to. I have to let it go . . . and it’s the hardest letting go I’ve ever had to go through. It’s shown me that I really don’t know how to let go and let God. I believe this is the lesson he wants me to learn . . . to be so completely broken that I have no other option than to hand the situation over and have total trust in him.
My pastor talks about the Holy Spirit being wild and unleashed. This makes God exciting, personal and real to me. God is ALWAYS there, even if I don’t feel like he is. His will is ALWAYS what’s best for my soul. To be focused on something that’s not of God is to take my eyes off of him and miss the beautiful life he surrounds me with every moment. “You are loved beyond your wildest imagination.” my pastor exclaims at the end of each worship service. I AM loved. I am a beloved child of God. At this moment, this brings tears to my eyes in the most comforting and nurturing way. And in the near future, when I struggle again, I don’t need to be in control because God is. He is always there with arms wide open to comfort and love me.