I’ve been conducting an experiment: To determine whether or not I can just be friends with a guy I’m madly in like with. I’ve refined and tweaked and rerun this experiment countless times in hopes of a different conclusion, but I always end up with the same result. I’ve concluded that it’s not possible. I can’t just be his friend. I can’t be with him without wanting our friendship to be more.
‘Distraction’ and I have been friends for a while. Several years into our friendship, I told him I wanted to be more than friends. He was kind and honest and expressed that he values our friendship, but was not ready to move into a relationship at that time. But, deep down in my soul, I’ve been convinced that he’s ‘the one’ for me and that eventually we’ll end up together. It’s been near impossible for me to let go of that. With BIG decisions in my life, I’ve been blessed with an undeniable confidence that something is the right choice. Almost a sense that God is pushing me from behind, nudging me down a particular path, and the doors are opening as I’m led through to new opportunities. I’ve had this experience in determining my profession, making a big move out of state, and buying my home. My courage was not my own. God was leading the way and I was open and in total trust to be led. This powerful force is the same experience I’ve had with this guy . . . an undeniable attraction and connection that brings about such certainty that we’re meant to be together. But, it’s been too long and I’ve given all of myself and it’s still not enough. It’s out of my control. Distraction just doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about him. Focusing on him distracts me and takes my mind away from life-giving relationships in my life. I am an intelligent woman. Why does relationship stuff always launch me into this realm of stupidity? Am I the only one who goes through this? I sometimes feel as if I am. Like I’m going crazy.
My control post was so healing for me as I processed and named what it is that makes me struggle so much with love. Control. My determination to figure out the magic formula for everything to work out MY way. I feel this wrestling match inside me. A tug-of-war between me and God. Me wanting to control the situation and allowing myself to be distracted and God wanting me to let it go and give it to Him. I always tell friends that even in the midst of the valley and in the most difficult part of a struggle, I am still grateful. Through tears and frustration, I am thankful for situations that challenge my faith. Things I question. Things I don’t understand. Things I get mad at God about. Things I wrestle with. I think going through these situations is when we take leaps instead of steps in growing in our faith.
Obviously, this is a situation God wants me to struggle with until I fully submit it to Him. God is relentless. He will not give up on me, and so He continues to allow me to do things ‘my way’ as he patiently waits for me to relinquish control to him. I keep handing over a piece at a time. Little bits that I feel comfortable letting go of. I’ve given some of it to God, but not all of it. I still want a piece of that control. But, God wants the entire wad. He doesn’t want chunks of this; he wants ALL of this. Once I give it over to God for good, it’s finished. It’s His. It’s no longer my concern. This is between me and God. It’s MY issue. It really has nothing to do with Distraction. I’ve been frustrated by the length of time I’ve been distracted by him, when really, it’s been up to me all along how long I stay here.
I refuse to continue putting myself in situations where I’ll be tempted. So, for now, I’m freeing myself of Distraction by not initiating communication with him. Immature? Maybe. But, giving total control over to God is my number one goal. I want out of the struggle. No more drama. I’ve tried to be with Distraction and keep my feelings in check, and I’ve failed and continue to fail. I’m just not strong enough. I’m going to work through this process free from distractions, focus on what God wants for me, and finally move on. One step at a time, I’m letting go and God can take the reins. I’m beginning to catch glimpses of what total freedom from this situation is like, and it feels amazing. Coming out on the other side of this will yield enormous blessings, a greater self awareness, and trust in God like I’ve never known before. I yearn for this. I want this with the deepest part of my being.
Thank you Lord for the struggles in my life. They make me love you more.