Do you trust me? – God
God has done amazing work in my life over the past seven months. I can’t explain it other than to say ‘I feel different.’ I know that’s not very profound, but only I can feel what I’m feeling and I just feel different. Better. More like myself. Not distracted. It’s awesome! My period of complete separation from Distraction this past summer was the help I needed to ‘get off the merry-go-round’ and trust God with who I am. God is enough and I am going to be ok without a romantic relationship, marriage, family. This is not really a profound truth . . . but it took a lot of tears and fist-shaking and confusion and confiding and trusting to embrace that simple statement. I had to trust God with my personal life like never before. If I never experience what so many others my age get to experience, am I going to survive? I will. I am going to be ok. I am going to live for what I have, not for what I yearn. God’s love is sufficient for me. It’s more than enough.
With that being said, I knew all along that it would be pretty impossible for me to shut Distraction out of my life forever. We have several very close mutual friends, so avoiding him means avoiding them in many circumstances and that just isn’t an option for me. These are some of the dearest people in my life and he is a part of them. I want him to be in my life. I feel he is in my life for a reason. And, so I let him back into my life this fall . . . slowly. A conversation here and there, then some texts and emails, then some phone calls, and then several lunches and dinners out, just the two of us.
This is when I put my ‘feeling different’ into practice. I didn’t allow myself to be swept away. I was open and honest and real with him like I was in the past, but with the understanding that he valued me as a friend, nothing more. And, that’s what I wanted. Nothing more. Just friends. I’ve had people in my life tell me to never speak to him again. That I could never just be friends with him after the road I’ve been down. But, I don’t believe that. For me, it’s separating the person Distraction is from the ideal of who I wanted Distraction to be.
So, tonight I came home from a gathering of close friends and he was there. As I drove home, I came close to tears. Why? I caught myself watching him a few times over the course of the afternoon. Not because I wanted to be with him, but because I wanted to be with the idea of him. Today, I mourned the loss of what I wanted him to be. How unfair to Distraction is that?! God truly opened my eyes last summer and I realized Distraction is not a good fit for me, he wouldn’t make me laugh (as one dear friend said), he doesn’t hold dear the things I value so much, such as my music and quality time together, he views life as glass-half-empty, not glass-half-full like I do. Being together just wouldn’t work. But, regardless, I was still sad as I reflected on our time together this afternoon. I haven’t had anything close to these feelings since the summer and it felt almost foreign to catch a glimpse of those emotions again.
Yearning for that ideal. I don’t even know what that is. It’s make-believe. What I realized over the summer was trusting God with all that I am and all that I have brought me peace. When I took control, I felt like I was going crazy. When I was in the driver’s seat, I felt out of control. Trust. Trust for today. Strength for the moment. This is what God has been laying on my heart. Trust is my word for 2014. My pastor told me that trust is in every part of my journey. It’s an integral part of my Christian faith. It’s not separate. It’s the way I view the world. It’s the foundation of my relationships. It’s at the center of the decisions that I make. I’ve been reflecting a lot on this truth because I just don’t trust very well. I don’t trust people with who I am. I hold on to things tightly with a gripped fist and call them mine.
‘If I do it the way I want to, it’s just better that way.’
‘If I open up to someone, they might hurt me.’
‘It’s so hard to trust in God’s will for my life when I want what I don’t have.’
Why trust? Why now? I don’t need to know now. My word will be revealed as I continue the journey. My words become the fabric of who I am. My life is enriched by my experiences reflecting on and experiencing them. I now live my life more JOYfully than before. I LISTEN for God in all circumstances, not just hearing Him, but engaging all of my senses in discerning His call. It’s profound that trust is my word AFTER my experiences of letting go of Distraction this summer. During that time, I trusted God like I never had before. I gave Him all of it and told Him I was finished. It felt amazing. It changed me. A veil was removed and my true self was able to shine. I pray that everyone who is close to me gets to experience this.
Do I trust God? Absolutely! I trust in this amazing journey . . . . every moment by grace-filled moment throughout 2014 and forever.